Did I Miss It? Or, Did It Miss Me?
I got a DM on Twitter this week about an online dustup concerning a review written by a friend. “Have you heard about this,” she wrote.
“No,” I answered. “I’ve been buried in Sundance 2022 films. What happened?”
She wrote back, “I don’t know. I was watching movies, too.”
I look at the post she sent. The timestamp told me that the incident occurred more than 24 hours prior to this DM. A whole day had gone by and never once did I see this skirmish on my timeline. It’s not like I wasn’t posting. Between movies, I was putting my reactions up. These posts worked to engage with other critics and with the creators who worked so hard on the films. I was also promoting my podcast and the posts made from my theblackcapemag.com site. Despite several trips to my timeline throughout the day, I missed an epic skirmish that many of my friends were talking about.
And, you know what? I am kind of glad that the whole incident missed me.
Miss Me With the Drama
I’ve had my fill of the drama, being the center of the chaos, and the one to make the next remark. It gets exhausting and takes away from the time and energy that I have available for my work. These arguments on social media can go on for hours and really get my emotions up. When I come down from the emotions and the quick reacts, my ADHD always seems to swing into action. The comedown becomes a crash, and for the rest of the day, I am depressed.
There are also ADHD second thoughts about every action. When you’ve spent the day quote tweeting and reacting, you’ve created a lot of moments that your brain will obsess over the moment you try to go to sleep. Never fails. Did I say the wrong thing at the wrong moment? Should I have stayed out of it? What will they say next? Who is watching my posts? Am I losing followers because of this squabble? How do I set up for the next attack? The questions are neverending. And, exhausting. I would rather have everyone miss me with the dramatics.
Access is the Second Half of the Boundary Lesson
We live in a society where it is considered “rude” to ignore another person. Especially if they are giving any semblance of civilized conversation. Politeness does not bend for bias or give exceptions for microaggressions. So, it should be senseless to even try to be polite and talk to everyone who addresses you. In fact, it is seen as a threat to limit access to yourself.
Look at the way people view protected accounts on social media or how they look at closed commenting on articles and posts. These moves meant to protect individual users have become a sign of deceit, dishonesty, and other negative connotations. But that perception is from a person who feels that they should have the right to any person’s time or space. That’s not how it works though. Slavery is outlawed and so if I decide to close my DMs and protect my account, then so be it. The perception still survives.
Now think of boundaries. Same perception. Any time you put up any kind of boundaries, other people react negatively. Access and boundaries have the same purpose. Access is actually the next step after putting up boundaries. Once you protect yourself from harm, it’s time to ensure that the harm stays away. That’s access, limiting the ways that people can reach you with their nonsense. Or drop their sh*t onto your doorstep.
Nothing Wrong with Being a Diva
I think of the great women in our society. How easy is it for some person off the street to walk in and sit down with Oprah, Ava, or any of the Tinas? It is damn near impossible. Even if you bump into one of them on the street, a bodyguard, assistant, manager, someone will step between you and that Black woman. Most of the time, the woman doesn’t even know that an attempt was made. To get to her, you must go through channels, show credentials, get recommended by someone she trusts. They have several layers and requirements for access. This is what keeps them safe and in control of their time, energy, and mental health.